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Sunday, April 12th, 2009
9:26 pm
I'm not good at stuff sometimes. This is one of those times.

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Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
Well it's not Lloyd, but I'm sick of paying for goods and/or services and not receiving what I was meant to receive.

You go to a restaurant and order a steak, it's overcooked or undercooked by the 17 year-old "chef" out the back who probably learnt how to grill on a lego set which he subsequently tried to enhale and received brain damage from.

You buy clothing and it has a magical defect such as one side of the garment having different dimensions than the other side, or a "mystery pocket" where no God-fearing Christian would ever dream of putting one on a public pair of pants.

You order a $10 coffee from Starbots Latte Whatever It's Called I Hate Coffee Shops and lo and behold it bears no resemblance to your order except for your mispelled name (no, my name is not Brent, nor Brett, nor Indiscernable Scribble I did not stutter why can you not hear me correctly oh you're from India I see I should have ordered some tea then you would have gotten that right).

And finally, I pay an exorbitant amount of money to get a picture taken with exact specifications and hey what do you know IT WAS WRONG.


In other news, I am still an idiot sometimes when it comes to relationships and I am sorry. Really sorry like for real sorry times 5000. If you're not Kat then DO NOT READ THIS PART OH SHIT I SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT FIRST BETTER HIT PO

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Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
6:03 pm - A DAY IN DA LIFE OF BRAD!!!!!!!

that's about it really ijust laugh out loud all day

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Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
8:44 pm - I've changed my mind
After years of wanting to be cremated after I die, with my ashes spread about somewhere of significance to me (past areas have included underneath the tyres of a hot rod driven by satan mid-burnout, a volcano filled with alligators that are obviously so intense that they can live inside of a volcano [FUCKING LAVAGATORS], and a duck), I have decided that I would like a proper funeral and burial with a funeral mass that will be sure to bore the jerks that are attending. If you are a jerk attending my funeral and find yourself bored then you undoubtedly deserve it!! I'll be dead for crying out loud so if you don't like it get the fuck out!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a ***BINDING DOCUMENT*** it has legal powers, and possibly supernatural ones (if you find yourself levitating in your bed at midnight my theory will be proven and you will be scared unless you are a ghost in which case you levitate 24/7 anyway what the fuck are you doing floating on a bed go to the mall or something??????).

In other news I'm an idiot and I wish I didn't screw things up with people (read: Kat) so much.

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Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
10:41 pm
Because I don't think I deserve to be treated this way, and I don't think either of us really want to end things for good. I'm willing to wait for you - even if we don't get to talk for a very, very long time, even if nothing is for sure - because you're worth it, and I really thought I was worth it too.

I'll wait anyway, because I can't do anything but love you. My heart always belonged to you and always will, and I can't do anything about that.
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
10:58 am - Dearest Kat
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_<

(It is Kat's birthday today so you can wish her HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


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Friday, March 2nd, 2007
9:34 pm - "Hide the medication and put grandma in the basement, i've got a Big freakin' news alert" - Me
Best journal title ever?????? Quite possibly. If they have an awards night and there is an award for the best journal title and subsequent "biggest news in Brad's life" category, I will win them both and then spit in the face of the other contestants for even daring to dream. "You like medals? Here is one - World's Most Punched Face award. You didn't have your face punched? Sorry I was reading your future in these tea leaves; better make sure you qualify first" bam right in the face. Get the fuck out of my ceremony non-winner, When there is an award for "motherfuckers who lost a bunch of awards" I'll ring you up but even then you probably lost because you will try to suck the award presenter guy's dick you freakin' moron.

Man I was trying to be serious.


I haven't posted anything here because I haven't felt the need to document my thoughts for anyone but myself and one other person, with that other (amazing) person being the reason that I'm posting this here. For once it's me wanting to share something happy and genuine instead of writing about my day in some horribly shit-sounding prose or talking about ancient giant sharks trying to eat people (HELLO THAT WAS THE BEST POST EVER BRAD - side note from me, Brad). Needless to say, so far I'm doing a terrible job with being serious BUT I'm writing this for everyone else - not just myself, though it kind of defeats the purpose of a journal? Who gives a shit? Johnny Journal but he is a prick, go to hell Johnny - um, oh I lost my place!

This is the important part this is the biggest news of my life except maybe if a dinosaur eats me but even then this is way better than anything else except for 1 other thing except I can't say it because it would give away the surprise that I am giving away in about 3 lines' time

I've met the girl that I'm spending the rest of my life with, and we're in love and getting married next year. She lives in LA, and after falling in love with her over the Internet against my obvious worries (we met on last.fm about 8 months or so ago) I went over there for 2 weeks and it was honestly the best 2 weeks of my life so far. By the third day I knew she was the one (like, the serious The One, that there is only one of), my soul mate, my everything that I can imagine. You know when people say that when you meet that one person that you just know, and then you're all "Dude how can you say that you're off your freakin' rocking chair??? Hold on to your hats, this guy's eaten a bowl of Crazys Crunch and is 100% Crazylicious"? Well, people are going to be saying that about me, because whatever I thought love was and what I knew about it have been replaced with this feeling of complete happiness and amazement.

Seriously, it's all true, and I only mention this because I'm a crazy dude and I tend to say crazy things, but I've never been so sure about anything in my life. I didn't propose in the classic sense of the word but the technicalities and trivialities of protocol and procedure are completely trumped by the fact that I've found the most amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, and caring girl in the world.


So yes - sadly I have to now spend from now until September (very, very hopefully) without her. So far it's proven to be the most difficult time in my life, and leaving her was the hardest thing that I've had to do in my life so far (p.s. I cried like a baby on my last day there). I'll be moving to LA for good, so I'm sorry to the people that I'm leaving behind but I hope that you understand that I have to follow my heart (it would be impossible not to). Things are kind of up and down when I tell people the news though it has been mostly positive; the only thing that I'm sure of is that I'll love her forever.

Her name is Katrina by the way and she can choose to show her face here or not (it is a pretty face but it might not be her actual face because that is not yet possible given current technology and it might not even be a digital face because I don't know????).

I love you, Kat, and you're the only thing in this world that I need. Pretend that I put a smiley face here/?????
Oh to hell with it

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Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
5:55 pm - A DAY IN YOUR WIFE
Ho ho! I meant my life, seriously.

As the fast-approaching end of my career of "professional student" approaches quite rapidly (some may even say that it is approaching "fast", but that's so bourgeois that I'd pretty much slit my own throat if I were to catch myself uttering such a word), I can't help but feel a growing nostalgia and slight tinge of sorrow for my soon-to-be-departed, (somewhat and arguably) luxurious lifestyle of pretending to be doing something while sitting at a computer for six years straight. It's been a spotted past; the first 18 months were spent on a wasted diploma, though I'm quite glad that I got the opportunity to learn more than it offered since it was a pile of hairy horse-testicles, and there were those 6 months spent doing the one subject which was completed in 2 weeks, and I was fat for a long time... ah, the memories (why did I bring this up god I hate this).

Now I just coughed up bile but only half-way up my throat and it is burning me! I guess the reasoning behind this is tied in with the goal of this entry, which is to give a specific account of what could be considered a sterotypical day which is simultaneously so mind-alteringly boring and "crap ya dacks" exciting that whenever anyone hears about it their shirt suddenly transforms into an oversized white one with "ROCK ON!!!" splashed across the chest in giant, bold red lettering (if the person is not currently wearing a shirt then whatever garment they are currently wearing will either mutate into this new shirt momentarily, or if they are naked then one will appear out of thin air around their torso and hopefully whatever horrible bits are flopping all over the place), and then a double-necked guitar will appear in their hands (same deal applies to the guitar as to the aforementioned shirts) with a solo from an unnamed power metal-era Pantera song being magically played by the ghost of a hair metal faggot who died after eating a cocaine and glitter sandwich; the eating of the sandwich was rumoured to have been the outcome of a lost bet, but sources later confirmed that he ate it voluntarily because he figured it might be "as close to tasting heaven" as he'd ever get (I guess he discovered the truth around 3 minutes later).


Strangely enough I woke up at 10:30, but this was only to take off the clothes that I had fallen asleep in to give to mum so that she could wash them. Yes, my mother still does my laundry. I'd fallen asleep at around 1 o'clock watching The Up Late Game Show with Simon Deering (a.k.a. Hotdogs) and Chrissy. Sadly I cannot say that falling asleep fully-clothed was not due to being made amazingly tired by masturbation, and I would not mention this if not for the fact that it's completely normal and healthy and seriously you should be all masturbating right now. That point also warranted mention since, well, I do it a lot and I just can't help it and nor would I want to! After being awoken from my paralytic slumber I managed to sit around in my underwear for an unknown (even by me) period of time, but did manage to be showered, shaved and clothed before Days Of Our Lives began. During the unknown period of time I checked whatever websites needed checking, listened to a bunch of crappy songs, trolled people, and successfully avoided study like I have been doing for the past week/month/semester - my first final exam is on the 7th, and the next one after that is on the 13th, so basically I really need to start studying but fuck that dumb nerd shit.

At this point I'm ready tooo ruuuummbblllllee, so I somehow managed to order 6 CDs from eBay totalling around $150. How the fuck...? It was basically to firmly plant myself back into CD purchasing mode rather than vinyl purchasing mode, and also to try and guilt myself into studying. The desired effect was achieved briefly, but it was soon replaced by hunger. Well, surely the guilt of eating a gargantuan mass of Kentucky Fried Chicken would help me to study?! With this in mind, I drove to KFC, ordered the KFC, paid for and received my KFC, drove home fast listening to Reign In Blood with the KFC, came inside with the KFC, ate the KFC, and then felt horrendously sick from the KFC. I was set to eat a healthy sandwich for the day, but mum GAVE me money, without my asking, to go and get lunch and I was too groggy to refuse. This is basically a representation of the personal mindgames I play with myself to motivate and create drive in myself, and to a lesser extent of the signs/omens that I understand to be completely coincidental yet crucial to my existence; if I "do x / see x / encounter x / have x / complete x" I will then "do y / see y / encounter y / have y / complete y". It's a minor form of goal-based living which is only utilised in situations where indecision or confusion is encountered and basically it kicks ass.

Before, during, and after all of this hullabaloo, I periodically check the front door for my order from Southern Lord (Altar 2CD, Altar shirt) to no avail. I check the SL forum to see if any other Australians have received their order, and to my dismay another Brisbanite had in fact received his order. My 12-track copy of Vein arrived on Monday, so I'm not too hung up about it not arriving since it kicks major ass, but STILLLLLLLLLL, GIVE ME MY DAMNED PACKAAAGGGGEEE AAAAAARGHJJJJ I ORDERED IT RIGHT AWAAAAYYYYY FFFUUUUCCCCKK. Since no "fun" mail had arrived, I decided to go and collect the "normal" mail from the mailbox (the only sun I get on some days). 2 envelopes addressed to me? Very peculiar. When walking back up the 2 of the 3 stairs that exist on the path for no reason other than making it level with gravity's pull instead of a slope like the lawn, I completely forgot about the gigantic, thick web that somehow stretched from a tree to a bush and got in my way. Of course I hate spiders and their ominous webs that taunt you with their "hey, gonna fuckin' get ya!" vibe, so when I'm covered in what appears to be web mixed with gigantic spider testicles I completely - yet silently - flip out and throw one of my two envelopes into the garden underneath more fucking spider webs. What was in the envelope? A promotional deal from Slurpee, in which you can have a Large Slurpee upgraded to an Extra-Large Slurpee for no extra cost (when I applied for it online for free I mentioned that I drank around 20 Slurpees per week, which is a blatant and hilarious lie). Why couldn't I have dropped the other one? I don't need some useless ATM card! WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT THESE FREE SLURPEE UPGRADES? WHY MUST I CONSTANTLY GET METAPHORICALLY FUCKED IN THE ASS BY NATURE AND IN PARTICULAR SPIDERS? WHY DOES THE GUY ACROSS THE ROAD IGNORE EVERYONE AND LOOK REALLY CREEPY?

Basically this led me to this afternoon. I had a cup of tea with 4 heaped teaspoons of sugar and a small amount of milk - to make it more of a brown colour rather than black or white - and decided to do useless shit on the Internet rather than study (this journal entry being an example). More music was listened to, and I talked to more people on MSN Messenger. I guess what isn't stereotypical about today is the fact that I'm going to tell/ask my parents about a 2 week trip to LOS ANGELES (~THE CITY OF ANGELS~) starting between Christmas and New Year, and that I am a closet homosexual. Judging by how much I love the butts of girls, you can decide which of those two is a lie.

Tonight, I'll eat scrambled eggs and toast and waste more time that I should be using for studying. Also I will poop for the third time today.

I don't know what the future holds, but quite frankly it will have to be awesome since I am indeed awesome. Like dad has said twice (the second time rather awkwardly, since he'd already told me...), this is a new chapter in my life. I'm actually very happy about the person that I am, and even though there are some imperfect qualities that I would like to work on, I wouldn't change who I am or how I got here for anything. Maybe I would if it got me a Ferrari, but who knows.

This started out kind of cool but ended reeeeealllllly horrible and gay so I'm just going to stop typing now.


current mood: AGHR MY BRAINSD

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Sunday, October 29th, 2006
9:35 pm - I would presume so, if not powerdog itself.


current mood: turkey gravy

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Thursday, October 19th, 2006
Today a fat rude bitch made me angry. I only mention the fat part because she was horribly rude but her looks of disdain didn't match my incredulity over why someone would get so fucking moody over someone ACCIDENTALLY stopping in a position that was in the middle of their then-current path of travel. It's not as if I was standing in an aisle and not letting her through intentionally, but rather it was in a large open space with plenty of room in all directions. She stood there for a few seconds and said nothing, until she finally uttered "excuse me" with that I'm-as-mature-as-a-14-year-old, mouth-gaping look and tone, after I'd already been informed of her presence by my mother and subsequently turned around and apologised with as much sincerity about my part played in the accident as was warranted for a stranger with such a look on her face (who was seemingly so daft or lazy that she couldn't reason her way around a slight obstacle placed in the middle of an entirely-hypothetical and not-yet-travelled trail with vast, sweeping meadows of delicious and, more importantly, unoccupied and uninhibited, space). You could have stepped 1 metre sideways and moseyed along to Facestuffer Central, i.e. the Food Court, you gargantuan pile of fat deposits with legs.

The indignant look splashed across her countenance prompted an entirely reasonable reaction of my utterance of "Jesus", loud enough so that there were no ambiguities as to what was said, who it was said to, nor why it was in fact said. My parents shared my view on this particular situation, with their own visages riddled with mixed looks of shock and hilarity over Li'l Miss Hoggo's boorish behaviour! My word! It was almost refreshing to receive such an attitude from the human equivalent of a pork belly covered in make-up, wearing work clothes from a well-known but unnamed retail department store chain (with a wig of human hair to top off the ensemble). Run, little pig, for your trough awaits! Who was I to deny the magnificent beast - with an intelligence allowing for an almost-authentic imitatation of a human being, and a spirit so wily as to allow it to clothe itself in an appropriate garb - of its spoils of war?

Rather than continue to its natural habitat, unimpeded by distractions, it turned around and looked directly into my eyes, with a look on its mug that visualised the phrase "What the fuck did you just say?", as best as could be replicated physically when the canvas of such a phrase resembled a failed Indian dish with eyes. As I'm a man of principles (as opposed to a man of principals, which may have rung true a few years back in that "dark" period where I was really into designer jackets and merlot), I wasn't going to have one bit of her being convinced that she in some way bested me with a mere gaze and a jiggle. My anger stirred, and I don't quite remember the exact words that were said while returning the unpleasant stare matched with unpleasantries, but it was akin to "Yeah? Come on then." It was quite a hilariously futile act on my part, but the speed of her retraction of the look and removal of herself from the situation was goddamn hilarious. What was even funnier was my parents' implicit backing up of my actions, much like the time that I gave the finger to someone in a car park who, for some idiotic reason, tried to drive right through us even though they, too, were blessed with as much spatial freedom (if not more) than the aforementioned lard-gutted lass.

Now I have a sore spot on my scalp, and it feels like someone has stabbed it just a little bit with an ice pick.
Also, I can't sleep.
Go to sleep, little Braddy. Too tired. ;_;
Man, that needed a lot of editing. Note to self: Don't write about crap at 2 A.M.

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
All that I can be bothered writing about my birthday is that I got a cake with "Brads (sic) an awesome dude" written on it in clear dark blue icing, with a hot weels racecar on the top as well. After I blew out the candles (which were individual B, R, A and D candles), I made the racecar race on the spot and got icing on it and then licked it because I have no shame. Something that does have shame is the fact that the cake's creator didn't think to put an apostrophe in "Brads". Is it so much to ask for basic grammar from a baker??!?!

Sadly, in this day and age, it is.

"Goodbye, cruel proper English usage," he said. "Perhaps we'll meet again, once our race is wiped out by a giant butt." This would not further Brad's cause, but as it made him laugh it was the most acceptable milestone to choose for the future welcoming back of strict rigidity to the written and (to a lesser extent) spoken word.

current mood: cynical

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Monday, October 9th, 2006
- I am too tired to review it but it was excellent

Is my brain supposed to feel like someone has filled it with pain fluid? Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweee

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Friday, October 6th, 2006


step @: giv eit to grandson to isntall



STEP FINISH: not there yet arhhghrgr


(10 hours later) hey it is done!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jesus christ this is annoying as shit ahahah

edit: not done :|

edit: done now :|

current mood: lol patrol

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Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
After that delightful message it's time to blah blah I don't even know.

I'm really unfit. Every day I manage to sit down and not do any physical activity, bar the few times I have to leave the house. Actually, I really, really haven't done anything since I amassed an $1100 debt buying music crap from eBay.

"$1100 THIS MAN IS A TERRIBLE MAN????" I hear you saying, because aural distortian is a rampant problem in my life and I basically hear what I want to hear and end up in lots of comical situations where my misunderstandings lead to hysterical accidental actions à la Mr. Magoo if he had better vision.

(Strangely enough, I'm also capable of differentiating between different numbers of question marks to be used, i.e. 4 instead of, say, 3. This is an innate ability and any attempt at trying to pass on this trait to another - be they man or dog or some kind of "dogman" who barks at other motorists and then pees on his boss à la Mr. Magoo - would ultimately result in catastrophe of the utmost uncomical kind, unlike perhaps some of the more hystical natural disasters such as the Iranian Turkey Melt Massacre or the Balinese Buttrapings of '78 [only comical due to impeccable alliteration coined by the western media].)

Anyway, the main chunk of it was due to $556 worth of sunn 0)))'s White Box and the Boris Live aRchive set, and I possibly overpaid slightly for both of them but I really don't care because I ONLY LIVE ONCE WOO WOO. There were a bunch of other vinyls and a few CDs and I only did it because my birthday is under 2 weeks away and I will get a big pile of music for my birthday! THE ONLY SETBACK IS THE FACT THAT I AM BASICALLY BROKE FOR ANOTHER 2 WEEKS AND THERE'S SO MUCH OTHER CRAP I WANT TO BUY MUSIC-WISE AND I really do have an addictive personality with some things, strangely not alcohol or smoking or drugs. (?)

The REAL point of this is that I am really unfit. I watch everything I eat so I maintain my weight, but just this past week I have felt so lethargic that I'm to the point where I just feel like lying down in my bed non-stop. My sleeping pattern is along the lines of going to bed at midnight to 2am, then waking up at midday. 10 or 12 hours sleep is just wayyyYYYEEE too much, even though I love sleep. After running from one side of the house to the other my heart beats faster than it should, and etc. You get the picture, hhhhhhhhnnnghh.

So, I've been trying to start a regimen of jogging/walking every night, either trying to jog for a short period of time and gradually get better, or walk fast for a longer period of time and work my way up that way. Since I like taking things to their extremes I am going to try the first method (what the hell am I on about with that extremes comment?).

ALSO, since more people seem to be getting beaten up and killed, I'm going to start to learn how to fight. I've never been in the position where I've had to fight anyone through sheer luck, but now some 15 year-old kid gets beaten to death 5 minutes from where I live (and some guy who was the boyfriend of mum's friend down the road's daughter got hit in the head when he tried to break up a fight between a bouncer and a patron outside of a pub and DIED), and it seems like I'm going to have to know how to handle myself with these fucking meathead wankers not seeming to care what they do! Possibly this will involve weight-training but not to the point where I look like a frog or pointy origami. Mum even said it was a good idea when I mentioned that I should learn some form of martial art so that I don't get killed in Alex Hills (where the kid died), so I'll have to find one that caters to my strengths (being awesome) and masks my weaknesses (lazy) (hairy legs) (likes Avril Lavigne) (basically everything except being awesome).

Man, I'm sick of writing this and you can probably tell since the style of my writing has gone severely downhill due to apathy!!!!!!!!!!

On that note, I'll leave you with the saved draft of a journal entry that I was going to post last night:



P.S. A Scanner Darkly is an awesome novel and I know I am late with this but still! Awesome!

P.P.S. I sat a multiple choice exam and answered everything as "C" and I got 32%. Sadly I don't think that I can just write "C" in a word document and have the same happen for my assignments. ;_;

current mood: GOT 2 PEE

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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
10:20 pm







current mood: CHUCHUCHUCHUCH

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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
5:57 pm
Week's up. Bye.
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
WELL HELLO EVERYONE, where does the time go? One movie suggested that giant chomps (which I always thought were called chomomps, or chompomps, but I am obviously getting mixed up with bobombs) ate it, and that movie ruled so that is where time goes THE END.

I haven't updated in about a month and a half because my life is so exciting that I just don't have time!
This is the answer that I am sick of people writing. If you're too fucking busy to update then shut the fuck up because I don't care and it makes me wonder why you'd go out of your way to say "Oh I'm just so busy that I have no time to update yet here I am on a computer clicking some buttons and telling everyone about it!! I am a jerk!!!!!!!!!"

I just haven't really given a shit about writing down anything about my life. A bunch of shit happened, but I just got so sick of typing it out and even now I'm regretting typing this but it looks really pretty on my new monitor.

Speaking of new monitors, here is a summarisation of shit that has happened to me:

  • Parents went to Hawaii and Las Vegas for about 3 weeks

  • Went and saw Hard Candy and passed out from the castration scene when she talked about squirrels eating testicles and held up fake testicles, then woke up and was sweaty but I got a free glass of water!

  • Failed a subject at uni because I hated it a lot so I just sat in the test and wrote nothing then left early (plus it was a deferred exam because I lied about getting sick so even having about a month to study for it did not make me do it because I hated it that much that it was a mental block!)! CRYPTOLOGY & PROTOCOLS IS NOW MY LEAST FAVOURITE THING EVER, RIGHT ABOVE CASTRATION SCENES now I'm doing 5 subjects this semester and I really should start studying, woops

  • I got some SUPERVIRUS which made the doctor think I had viral meningitis SO I then went and got a CT scan and a lumbar puncture therefore proving that I am on House M.D., and have spent the past 8 days or so doing pretty much nothing, with about 5 or 6 of those days spent on the couch in pain watching daytime TV (woo hoo???????)

  • Got a DS Lite but seriously who cares? It plays games and shit??

  • Monitor died and got a new monitor but I like the old one better but this one is OK but I hate LCD fuck computers

  • Blah blah wieners

YES THIS IS AMAZING I AM AMAZING this is terrible so now I am stopping! Maybe I'll write something worth a damn later on. Also Miami Vice sucks and do not touch anything ever because you will get germs and die. My temperature got to 38.9 degrees celsius and my blood pressure went down to 100 over 55 or 60 for a few days! But I don't have brain cancer so that's cool I guess. No touchy.

current mood: sleepy

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Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
Such an apt subtitle. In thinking about how it is finally time for a third installment of this series, it crossed my mind that perhaps an offshoot, Celebrity Predilections, would be an interesting spiel. Then I quickly corrected my thinking, as I'm sure that the only people interested in how Lindsay Lohan likes to shoot crystal meth into her anus to avoid scarring on her arms is in fact Lindsay Lohan, OR at least everyone has had the thought cross their mind at least twice in their lifetime. Seriously, she looks like she's made out of seaweed covered in white paint with a fucking motorised Lego kit in her. There's more life on a bacteria-infested toilet seat than she's ever exhibited in her entire life.

Anywho, the point I was trying to convey is that originality is the key with these predicitions. Everyone can pick up some "rag" and check out the "news" and "flip pages" until they get tired "and" put it down again, but these predictions will haunt you in your dreams, therefore rendering them nightmares as dreams would imply either a positive or, at the very least, neutral experience. You'll talk about this shit with your grandkids and they'll say "What in the fuck are you talking about now, Grandpa/Grandma/Old cunt I'm supposed to love but don't?" and you can die with the satisfaction that you're an unloved piece of useless, wrinkled shit, with such a vague semblance of humanity in your eyes that you should be processed and sold as low-grade gravy to be fed to some third-world cunt who looks just as bad as you but gets more support because they're like animals and nobody could hurt a puppy!

Um, yes. Here it is.


  • After his runaway success in the smash hit movie Saw, Danny Glover decides that it is the most opportune time to make a comeback into the Hollywood scene and rid himself of the typecast shackles of Murtaugh in the Lethal Weapon series of movies. Wanting to express a more artistic side of his skillset and personality, he directs, produces and stars in the arthouse film "I Ain't Murtaugh, You Mutha Fuckin' Ass", in which he plays a disgruntled once-revered African-American actor who berates the audience for several hours. Conflicts of interest in the editing phase of production led to several hours of the film being cut, with the final release spanning just 15 seconds, all of which involving only Danny Glover's character, 'Danny Glover', saying "Fuckin' crack ass cracker" 6.34 times. He wins 294 Oscars and is immortalised by having his own Transformer created after him, the aptly-named "Washedupniggertron".

  • Simpson sisters Jessica and Ashlee, after their recent plastic surgery success (where success is gauged by how much one can resemble a piece of wood with humanesque features), team up to create the new pop sensation, Ashica. The name was coined by taking the primary substance of their biological makeup - ash - and combining it with the the noise they make repeatedly whenever they have to listen to their own music or have their batteries changed. Their first hit, "Sometimes Baby Come Back Loving You Baby Myself", debuts on the charts at a dismal #719384, which is quite the effort considering that there are only around 2000 positions at the time. ProActiv terminates their contract with Jessica and she commits suicide, leaving Ashlee to promote Ashica by herself. She chokes on her own vomit after having to hear 2 of the songs back to back. World peace is finally achieved.

  • Peter Jackson, with the express written permission of the ghost of J.R.R. Tolkien's tailor, decides that just 3 Lord of the Rings movies is nowhere near enough, and goes on to release a prequel trilogy similar to Star Wars, though without the obvious episodic numbering scheme employed by Mr. Lucas. A title and brief synopsis of each film is listed here

    Lord of the Rings: Frodo's First Boner
    As a teenager, Frodo discovers the joys of staring at girl hobbits through windows, and at the same time discovers that penises become erect and are made for jerking. It follows his multiple journeys from his house to the window of Fran Picklewrapper and back again, finally ending in the most explicit sex scene since Masters of Ass 7: Ass Me Anything, Dicktective Knobend.

    Lord of the Rings: Tokyo Drift
    Samwise Gamgee is a life-toughened high schooler who, despite his best efforts and intentions, always manages to end up on the wrong side of the law (that is to say breaking the law). After a disastrous horse race against some jock faggot, he is forced to pack up his things and live with his father in Mordor to avoid being thrown in jail (or whatever the fuck the LotR equivalent of jail is, maybe it's called Erdebanjen or some gay shit). Against his father's wishes, Samwise discovers the underground world of Orc Drifting - a craze sweeping the underground volcanoes of Mordor - and finds himself up against an intricate world of Yakuza and turf wars, with an explosive, climactic race down Mount Orcdrift with two highly-tuned Orcs with equally tuned drivers, and only one survivor. Starring Tom Hanks and Danny Glover.

    Lord of the Rings: My Three Sons
    Despite repeated warnings of lawsuits pertaining to copyright infringement, Mr. Jackson started production on this movie but only lasted 3 days until he was shut down. No details are readily available about this release, but it is rumoured that a 1-minute reel of film is buried deep in the jungles of Peru, with several failed and bloodied excavation attempts attached to it. Also there is a ghost and a curse, and gold.

  • Tom Green becomes a politician and suddenly global policy involves wearing lipstick and shoving rotten meals down your pants.

Fuck me, I only got through half of them (plus that last one really was stretching the bounds of comedy), so I will continue this within the next 7 days.

current mood: i have to poo and it hurts!!!!

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Monday, June 26th, 2006
11:50 pm - Gay crap nobody wants to read (hint: this is what my whole journal is)
Having slept on my last entry with a seemingly bleak outlook on the current state of Brad affairs, and then having eaten several meals and also walking a little bit here and there, and then finally returning some DVDs and watching more DVDs and putting on a shirt so that I didn't have to stare at my larger-than-average, hairy nipples for much longer, I've realised that I am actually quite happy about life even if it is shit.

See, this may sound completely like some thinly-veiled attempt to come to terms with the negative aspects of my life (though it could be that, I'm never quite sure if I'm masking truths or breaking booths, which is a new term that I coined to represent the opposite of masking truths), but it's like one big comedy. Perhaps I've been afforded the luxury of not having to deal with too many devastating personal hurdles such as perhaps the death of a close family member or the death of a close family member's pet under the assumption that the close family member would indeed mourn the loss of their once living pet and therefore be quite morose and in turn affect my somewhat pleasant demeanor given that I'm not in a terrible mood (!), so my outlook is somewhat sugar-coated and fancy free.

Whatever happens to me - however bad it may be - I still live under the assumption that you really can't be too sad or angry about things because you're going to die anyway. Don't you ever sit back and realise "Hey, I'm gonna be fucking dead! A cessation of my being alive is imminent!"? I sure as heck do, and it's not depressing. Right now I've got the volume turned right down on my speakers, but for some reason there is a radio station that gets picked up and plays very faintly through the speakers, and right now it sounds like Waltzing Matilda played by some organ, and has actually transitioned out to the talking that I hear constantly. Shit like that, that's weird and hilarious in that "Oh I would laugh but I'd rather just chuckle in my head" way. Anyway, no matter what bad shit happens, you're going to die. I almost revel in the fact that there's a chance that I never find a significant other to share my life with, because I'm gonna fuckin' die anyway! So what if I'd like it to happen, so what if I'll be "truly" happy, because I can still roll around on my fucking floor at any given point and laugh until the veins in my testicles burst thinking about how stupid life really is.

Man, I had a point but I completely lost it! Here was one of my personal realisations:

- Sometimes, or a lot of times, I'll downplay who I am or what I'm capable of so that I can't be truly judged on my abilities. In doing so, I attempt to reduce the possibility that somebody finds out that I'm just a mediocre person with nothing really special. If you never try to achieve your full potential, you can never be judged truly. Simple.

Isn't that a pretty major realisation? It never comes to the point where I lie about things, but if you pretend you're shit and someone thinks you're amazing then it's a nice surprise, and if you try your hardest and someone thinks you're shit then it can be one of the most demoralising things in the whole wide world. This could be a bunch of horse shit and at this point in time I'm inclined to agree with this sentence's statement, but in the off chance that I'm not dribbling shit then maybe I'll look back on this and still think I'm a huge faggot for writing some drivel. Jesus christ I need a better car.

So yes. If there were other personal realisations they've been lost in the hoo-ha that is this lump of words.

Do you ever think of something and then just want to vomit? Sometimes I do.

Maybe I'm going to start labelling everything I do as an experiement, and number them from 001 but not necessarily announce publicly every time a new experiment starts. Then one day, I'll be doing something, maybe changing CDs in my car, and I'll be able to say "Starting experiment number 724" knowing full well that I've performed 723 experiments beforehand but someone might mistake it for some arbitrary number that I plucked out of thin air to sound like I'm pretending to be the guy who actually performed those 723 prior experiments. I only say that I would label everything I do as an experiment because I'm not as confident as I could be that I could think of 723 separate experimental procedures before I realise this is the most stupid idea ever (so that gives me about 2 weeks, tops).

Tomorrow is Tuesday and it could be the day that sees me trying to organise my life. I might even go to a library.

current mood: jealous

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12:19 am - Maybe I will watch movies forever and become dumb
I don't know what it is, but these holidays are really depressing. I HAVE NOT FELT THIS DEPRESSED SINCE THE DEPRESSION IN THE 1920s AND THAT WAS TO DO WITH MONEY NOT EMOTIONAL STATES.

It's so dumb, because I don't have anything to do and it makes me feel useless, then I just end up sitting around the house moping trying to think of things to distract me until I get so tired that I can finally pass out in my bed. Basically my life is just like that of a prostitute's except nobody is paying me for sex and I am not a whore.

I saw HIGH TENSION AKA HAUTE TENSION and that fucking sucked. Went and saw THE BREAK UP since I had nothing else to do and my parents were paying and that fucking sucked. Just watched HOSTEL and that was half-decent but perhaps only because the aforementioned suck movies made this seem amazing by comparison. Now I've got some other gayshit movies to watch and I feel my brain slowly deteriorating by the second. What are the plans for tomorrow? Wake up at noon and then do nothing until I go to sleep again! Maybe I need a wife so that I can have meals cooked for me and then beat her after sex (this is our country's tradition I should not break it), and then do nothing around the house and leave the toilet seat up so that she can have something to whinge to the girls about! What a life it could be.

Also I am really paranoid that nobody likes me! HA HA THE JOKE IS THAT IT IS NOT PARANOIA BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HA!!!! HA! I'm going stir fucking crazy and it is confusing because I didn't do anything for about 2 months so suddenly when I have nothing to do I go completely nuts. Perhaps I'll cut out my eyes and relearn how to walk because I won't be able to see shit? A capital endeavour!

Let this be an example of why you never write shit when you are tired and me and it is a sunday night/monday morning on holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRR!!!!!!

current mood: enraged

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