SUPERTURBO FUCKINGKILLYOU (iamkingbrad) wrote,
SUPERTURBO FUCKINGKILLYOU
iamkingbrad

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CELEBRITY PREDICTIONS: VOL III, "IT IS THE THIRD ONE"

Such an apt subtitle. In thinking about how it is finally time for a third installment of this series, it crossed my mind that perhaps an offshoot, Celebrity Predilections, would be an interesting spiel. Then I quickly corrected my thinking, as I'm sure that the only people interested in how Lindsay Lohan likes to shoot crystal meth into her anus to avoid scarring on her arms is in fact Lindsay Lohan, OR at least everyone has had the thought cross their mind at least twice in their lifetime. Seriously, she looks like she's made out of seaweed covered in white paint with a fucking motorised Lego kit in her. There's more life on a bacteria-infested toilet seat than she's ever exhibited in her entire life.

Anywho, the point I was trying to convey is that originality is the key with these predicitions. Everyone can pick up some "rag" and check out the "news" and "flip pages" until they get tired "and" put it down again, but these predictions will haunt you in your dreams, therefore rendering them nightmares as dreams would imply either a positive or, at the very least, neutral experience. You'll talk about this shit with your grandkids and they'll say "What in the fuck are you talking about now, Grandpa/Grandma/Old cunt I'm supposed to love but don't?" and you can die with the satisfaction that you're an unloved piece of useless, wrinkled shit, with such a vague semblance of humanity in your eyes that you should be processed and sold as low-grade gravy to be fed to some third-world cunt who looks just as bad as you but gets more support because they're like animals and nobody could hurt a puppy!

Um, yes. Here it is.

CELEBRITY PREDICTIONS: VOL III, EPISODE 0, SPECIAL EDITION DTS 7.12323:1 WIDESCREEN RATIO 2 DISC COMMENTARY PLUS OUTTAKES

  • After his runaway success in the smash hit movie Saw, Danny Glover decides that it is the most opportune time to make a comeback into the Hollywood scene and rid himself of the typecast shackles of Murtaugh in the Lethal Weapon series of movies. Wanting to express a more artistic side of his skillset and personality, he directs, produces and stars in the arthouse film "I Ain't Murtaugh, You Mutha Fuckin' Ass", in which he plays a disgruntled once-revered African-American actor who berates the audience for several hours. Conflicts of interest in the editing phase of production led to several hours of the film being cut, with the final release spanning just 15 seconds, all of which involving only Danny Glover's character, 'Danny Glover', saying "Fuckin' crack ass cracker" 6.34 times. He wins 294 Oscars and is immortalised by having his own Transformer created after him, the aptly-named "Washedupniggertron".

  • Simpson sisters Jessica and Ashlee, after their recent plastic surgery success (where success is gauged by how much one can resemble a piece of wood with humanesque features), team up to create the new pop sensation, Ashica. The name was coined by taking the primary substance of their biological makeup - ash - and combining it with the the noise they make repeatedly whenever they have to listen to their own music or have their batteries changed. Their first hit, "Sometimes Baby Come Back Loving You Baby Myself", debuts on the charts at a dismal #719384, which is quite the effort considering that there are only around 2000 positions at the time. ProActiv terminates their contract with Jessica and she commits suicide, leaving Ashlee to promote Ashica by herself. She chokes on her own vomit after having to hear 2 of the songs back to back. World peace is finally achieved.

  • Peter Jackson, with the express written permission of the ghost of J.R.R. Tolkien's tailor, decides that just 3 Lord of the Rings movies is nowhere near enough, and goes on to release a prequel trilogy similar to Star Wars, though without the obvious episodic numbering scheme employed by Mr. Lucas. A title and brief synopsis of each film is listed here

    Lord of the Rings: Frodo's First Boner
    As a teenager, Frodo discovers the joys of staring at girl hobbits through windows, and at the same time discovers that penises become erect and are made for jerking. It follows his multiple journeys from his house to the window of Fran Picklewrapper and back again, finally ending in the most explicit sex scene since Masters of Ass 7: Ass Me Anything, Dicktective Knobend.

    Lord of the Rings: Tokyo Drift
    Samwise Gamgee is a life-toughened high schooler who, despite his best efforts and intentions, always manages to end up on the wrong side of the law (that is to say breaking the law). After a disastrous horse race against some jock faggot, he is forced to pack up his things and live with his father in Mordor to avoid being thrown in jail (or whatever the fuck the LotR equivalent of jail is, maybe it's called Erdebanjen or some gay shit). Against his father's wishes, Samwise discovers the underground world of Orc Drifting - a craze sweeping the underground volcanoes of Mordor - and finds himself up against an intricate world of Yakuza and turf wars, with an explosive, climactic race down Mount Orcdrift with two highly-tuned Orcs with equally tuned drivers, and only one survivor. Starring Tom Hanks and Danny Glover.

    Lord of the Rings: My Three Sons
    Despite repeated warnings of lawsuits pertaining to copyright infringement, Mr. Jackson started production on this movie but only lasted 3 days until he was shut down. No details are readily available about this release, but it is rumoured that a 1-minute reel of film is buried deep in the jungles of Peru, with several failed and bloodied excavation attempts attached to it. Also there is a ghost and a curse, and gold.

  • Tom Green becomes a politician and suddenly global policy involves wearing lipstick and shoving rotten meals down your pants.


Fuck me, I only got through half of them (plus that last one really was stretching the bounds of comedy), so I will continue this within the next 7 days.
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